To begin answering why, I will first explain why I believe. I will do this in two parts, the first of which will be about my own personal story. The second will get to the heart of why I placed my faith in Christ. I am not an apologist, but find joy in that aspect of the faith, and as Christian's we should all be able to defend the faith to the best of our ability... and as Peter put it, "But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have"(1 Peter 3:15 New International Version). So that is what I am going to try to do... give the reasons for the hope I have.
I know that there are people who know me from not too long ago that may be wondering about what's with all this Jesus stuff. I know that it wasn't too long ago that my life was way different than it is right now. The life I was living was pretty much like the lives of most other men my age. It involved drinking and the bar scene. My relationships, though only few, were sexual. The way I spoke, the words I used... the music I listened too, and the movies I watched... most would consider normal for a guy my age. I was just another ordinary guy trying to make it in the world, doing everything society told me I should be doing. The only thing is that none of it made me happy. Mind you there were many happy moments, great moments... time spent with friends, some who still are, and some who are not... moments with girlfriends that brought me joy... moments out doing the things many guys do thinking I was having fun the whole time... but those moments never added up to anything significant.
As I got older, significance was something I searched for... something I needed I guess you can say. I needed to, wanted to, know why I was here. I wanted something of substance... a life that meant something, that made a difference. I didn't want to be just another ordinary guy doing the things guys are "supposed" to do. But I didn't really know how to change.
Going back a few years I guess I found the answer to that question. I found meaning... I found substance... and I found purpose, and I found it all in the same place. I remember when I was 21 years old, stressed out way beyond what a person of that age should be, when the questions began to plague my mind. I had grown up Catholic... I was even an altar boy for two years... so I figured I should start going to church, and that, maybe I would find the answers to my questions there. My mom was going to a church that she really enjoyed and I figured that would be a good place to start. After going for a while and even after getting to a point where I believed in what I was hearing, the life I was living was too much for me to say no too. I had come to believe that it was a sinful lifestyle, but I thought it was fun and was unwilling to give it up. At least not at that time I would tell myself. So for a while I put God on the back burner as I continued living in the lifestyle I had chosen. I was engaged and thought I found the love of my life, and she made me happy, so why change it?
It turns out that this love would soon fade, the relationship would end, the pain I felt would endure for a while, but I would move on. After living my life my own way for the next ten years, from 21 years old until the age of 31, things never changed... I never changed. But the God who I put on the back burner didn't want to stay there, and over these years I would think about Him... think about where I should be, and what I should be doing. But still, I never did anything about it. It wasn't until after I turned 31... and after I had moved back home to my parents’ house... and after I had gone to the doctor who told me I should be dead... and after another relationship ended... and after I quit a job I could not stand... after all of this that I began to wonder yet again just what in the world I am doing here. What is the point of all this? Why are we here? Why does life suck so much... so often?
But before I get to that let me fill you in on some things. Way back when, while I was engaged... around the age of 19, my fiancé had told me that I stopped breathing while I slept. She had told me that I snored real bad, and that at some point I would stop breathing for a handful of seconds and then gasp for air. Unfortunately for her I would wake her up repeatedly. So after being told this I did a little research and found out that it was sleep apnea. What I didn't know was how bad it could be... or how bad mine was. It wasn't until Reggie White, the former football player and minister, died due to his sleep apnea that I really began to worry about my own. But still, I had no insurance, and no real worries that I would be next, so I never got it checked. It wasn't until the middle of 2007, now 31 years old, about 12 years after I was first told about it that I finally gave in and went to the doctor to have it checked. And it was a good thing too.
It was after undergoing a sleep study, which was incredibly annoying, that I sat in my doctor’s office to hear the results. She told me two things the first of which was that I was an anomaly. She told me that I had Severe Obstructed Sleep Apnea which was common to larger overweight men with large necks. I did not fit the profile as I was not overweight... but yet I had it, and it was bad. So bad in fact that the second thing she told me was that I should be dead... at least, that's what I heard. What she actually said was that my body did not take in enough oxygen to sustain life. My pulse ox level was 39%. Normally it should be between the upper 90's and 100. Mine was well below half of what it should be. I guess you could say that I should have died... probably many times over. She would go on to tell me that I stopped breathing once every minute, and that in the 6 plus hours that I slept I woke myself up 270 or so times. Until that point I had been wondering why I was always dead tired... even after sleeping 10-12 hours. Now I knew. But it didn't make sense. If I should be dead... why was I not? Why was I still here? And there's that question again.
So now here I am... 31 years old being told this by my doctor... about to be dumped in just a short while, and then subsequently quit the job I was working. To add to that, the reason I moved back home was so I could go to culinary school... but I was denied financing. So in a matter of months my whole world turned upside down. After quitting my job I had a lot of time on my hands... a lot of time to think things through. I thought about why. I thought about what my doctor told me. I thought about what a mess I had made of my life. And I thought about whether or not there was any redemption out there for someone like me. The answer was yes... yes there was redemption to be had.
You see, after all this time... after growing up Catholic and learning about God and about Jesus... and then years later as I began to question why (as it pertains to life)... I began to find my answer, and my redemption. While I grew up learning about God I never knew God. While I grew up learning about Jesus I never knew Jesus. I believed... I always believed... but I never knew what that meant. So as I thought more and more about what it was I really believed... and I thought more and more about my own life and all I have been through, the mess I made of it, and all the things my doctor told me... that I was pointed to Jesus. To me He was the only answer that made any sense.
Why was I here? To know Jesus... same reason you are here.
How was I still alive though I should be dead? Because of Jesus... He kept me even though I ignored Him.
What was my purpose? To know Jesus... and to tell others about Him.
When and where did He come to know me? Before He formed me in my mother's womb.
When and where could I come to know Him? Right then... that second... right where I stood.
Jesus once said that...
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me." (Revelation 3:20 New King James Version)
So needless to say... I opened the door. God through the prophet Jeremiah once told Israel these words... words which I believe He says to every single person...
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 New King James Version)
So I guess this was the moment I would seek Him with all of my heart... and I found Him... and He found me.
I know that many will say I only chose Christ, I only believe what I believe, I only became a born again Christian because I grew up Catholic. But I know that is not true and I will touch on that in the next part of this post. I am grateful for the knowledge I received while in that church. I am also grateful that when I was 21 and searching I found a church that added to my knowledge. It was this foundation that I fell back on. All I had known and knew was the reason why I called on the name of Jesus... the name above all names... and I was saved just like the scriptures say...
Romans 10:13 (King James Version)
"For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."
I think I finally came to the end of myself... and I realized that I was imperfect even though I so tried to be perfect. I knew I made a giant mess of my life. I knew there was no viable reason for why I was still alive. I hoped that there was some way to make it right... to be redeemed so to speak.
You see, it is when we find ourselves at the end of our ropes, and when we realize our best efforts will always come up short... that we can finally see clear enough to understand why. While I don't have all the answers and while it isn't easy living a life of faith in a world that is so against it... I found hope... I found purpose... I found meaning... I found substance... and I found redemption in Jesus Christ. And I know He alone is where any of this... all of this... can be found. Believe me, I tried otherwise. I tried to do it on my own. I tried to make my own way... but there is no other way...
John 14:6 (New King James Version)
"Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
Jesus once told all those listening, just as He still tells us this very day...
Matthew 7:13-14 (New King James Version)
13 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. 14 Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it."
I was once on the broad path... unknowingly traveling on the way that leads to destruction. But now, thanks be to God I travel the narrow path... and though it is hard, it is the only way that leads to life... true life now, and in the life that comes next.
My life has seen many ups and downs... just like everyone else I suppose. There has been much heartache and pain, both physical and emotional. Everything I shared here is just a small fraction of all I have been through. Yet through it all, somehow someway it led me right to God... right to Jesus... right to the foot of His cross where I exchanged my heap of a life for His. I don't completely understand how, outside of His amazing love, for why this was even a possibility... but I will not question it. I will live my life eternally grateful for all that I have found in Jesus.
Maybe you have a similar story... or maybe you have similar questions. Maybe you are searchng for the same things I searched for... and found in Jesus. If you are, don't be afraid to seek for Him. Go back to the verse I put in here that says when you call on Him with your whole heart you will find Him. Just like I did. While pain will still come... heartache will still be felt... gray clouds will still dot the horizon... and storms will still rage in your life... you will be ok, because you will know Him. Joy, peace, happiness... purpose, meaning, and substance... can all be found in the same place, the same person, Jesus Christ.
So that's it for part 1. In part 2 I will try to explain further about my choice for faith in Christ. It is a choice that we must make in this life, because contrary to what many other faiths may have you believe, we only get one. One life to live, one life to choose. So call upon the name of the Lord, and you will never be sorry you did.
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